Asylummn

I'm not sure exactly where these habits are going to lead me. I'm sitting here, sorta high off my ass. But at least i'm calm. No anxiety. that's not a problem anyways. if i start to feel any, i can just simply pop another. Or snort. Whichever i feel like. I just need to settle my body down now. I've had enough play time these last few months to satisfy me for a little while. I'm just not even sure. I want something. I want someone. Or maybe i just want myself to wake up from this drunken sleep. This anxiety filled hole i've dug myself into and buried feet up, and nose down. this blur of a mind. letters that make me want to throw up. perhaps thats it. This hollister bullshit. min wage bullfucking shit. How i want to get going already, just get ahead start. win something. because obviously its not going to be what i need. Or maybe i need more drinking nights. Not the kind where i'm kissing people, kissing everyone. but the nights where i meet someone, and we have that conversation. i get the chance to feel alive for once. its probably just a down day for me. and my alcohol tolorence had gone so up compared to what it used to be. All of these too good mormon bitches in their dressed up hip, as fuck outfits. they don't even look that great. I'm happy to dress in my raggity thrift clothes. as long as their dark greys and blues. then i'll be okay. elf girl really is pregnant. i need some emotional connection. before i go crazy. oh god. Its okay. i'm sitting here in starbucks. in my raggity clothes. my boots. and spurs. i havent showered. i'm fat. i need to go piss. thats my life. and its not a bad one. i'm spoiled as fuck. i have everything that i've eve asked for. i get everything i've ever askedfor, and it i don't. then i usually work for it myself. i do miss last summer though. sleeping over.. that new fresh excitement. now shit doesn't matter. i just wish i could break this shit off. because i really hate you. I hate you so fucking much. So entirely much. with my whole fucking soul. love it a pretty close emotion to hate. i think you have to love someone before you ca hate them. or you have to be able to love someone in order to truely hate them. but these super ass trendy bitches are annoying the shit out of me. in thei urban oufitters oxfords. who that fuck do they think they are. why don't they just dress like a normal person, and then we can just all go get drunk. be all over eachother. yelling. happy. taking shots. doesn't make sense to me at all. not at all. i still have to go pee. so chances are thats my problem.