Closure

I know its been a while but i feel the need to write yet another closure.

despite what i sorta give off, i don't get over shit easily.

Its taken me more than a year to be okay with everything involving this.

To come to terms with it.

The months following, and even occasionally i still get a bit scared.

However, i'm over it, and i get more of a thrill from being frightened.

of course i'm still going to have those moments.

where everything comes back and tries to infest my mind.

but not like before.

I've haven't written about this as much as i would like to.

I feel that it changed me for the best. Taught me that sometimes i need to calm myself, and not constantly be in motion. Come back down for a little while. Rules are there for a reason. You can get hurt. I'm more delicate than i treat myself. I actually don't treat myself well. As well as I should. It has literally taken me years to earn the respect people lost for me back. It might be a possibility that theres a fragment that will be lost permanently.

I remember being put out, and the doctor telling me his stories. Cute stories, and i'm just laying there crying. Helpless, and scared. A big baby. He's telling me of some princess, i'm holding my plastic lizard. I'm crying harder, and my speech is getting slower. He asks me about who i care about. I tell them everything. How i never should of let you fall asleep. How it was all my fault. That i'm sorry, i'm really really really sorry. I'm asking for forgiveness. I'm begging god that i'll wake up. The lights start to speckle. The gas tastes funny, and makes me sick to my stomach. I can hear machines beeping in the background and its slow motion. My voice deeply muttering hoarse apologies over and over again. I'm telling them about the bricks, how they sounded. How I asked god if I would be okay. Told him that he was right. How you picked me up right away to make sure i was safe. I was okay, at the time. I could see headlights after you set me down. I heard sirens. Cool fall night with damp grass near. Could smell the foliage. My vision was practically gone, all speckly. I was concerned about myself, everyone else. I realized just how much i had screwed up, and how i was going to cover it up. Some rough looking boys in a jeep pull up, I remember that it was green. The door handle black on the inside and the texture of the plastic. They asked if i was okay. I asked them for a ride home. They asked how i was doing. I told them i was perfectly okay. I've never had an out of body experience. Until then. It was like i was talking and I wasn't really there. I could see it from an outside perspective. I even gave directions to my best friends house. I wasn't crying. I was speaking calmly.

So all of these emotions, I've kept them locked up. Recalling on them. Almost regretting them, in a way.

The truth is. I still feel guilty.

Let down too, I had my trust in you. All of it. The ironic thing about the situation was how peaceful it was before. It was a cool October night. I was all curled up in the blanket a girl had given me. You had the heat on. Soft music playing. I had this unspoken trust that you would keep me safe. Let no harm come. I was so relaxed. So at home. It was serene driving back from the Indian reservation at 1 A.M. If i remember the moon was out that night. Must of been something in the stars and planets. God must of been trying to call me back to him.

I had fallen asleep not thirty seconds before it happened. A light, pretty sleep. I knew i should of said something before that. Gone back to my best friends house. I felt guilty though, i didn't want you to be mad at me for leaving you. You would of been. I know. I also considered putting my seat belt on. I remember crossing the bridge and thinking about it. Seeing the scenery outside blur. The pretty dark comforting edges.

All of my trust was with you, and you shattered it in seconds. Changed us, You, I, and everyone. Life. New perspectives. I don't regret it.

But as i'm about to fall asleep, and face the consequences for my actions. I'm apologizing because i still feel like I could of done something. Something the doctors and their fairy tales won't understand. Something that tears or regret will never fix.

The lights start to flash, blink at me.

The beeping continues.

Comforting male voices.

I'm slightly embarrassed for being emotional.

I'm so so so sorry.

I take a deep breath.

I take another.

And fall.

Fall into a deep dark dreamless sleep.

I'm so so so sorry